If you’re not in high school anymore and still celebrate Valentine’s Day, then we’re probably judging you. Akhil Sood tells you what to avoid and what to do to get your street cred back.

We may come across as all bitter and Grinch-like through the course of this piece, but that’s only because we’re single due to our poor table manners (we burp a lot; get it?). Nonetheless, February 14th is still allegedly a celebration of love and all that comes with it. Some of us (in the rebellious minority) refuse to give in to the teddy bears and chocolates and choose to believe that we are better off avoiding clichés, no matter how tempting they might seem.

PDA Peeve

no-pdaWhile it can be honest/shameless expression of love and affection, it’s also a matter of taste (no pun intended).  While most of the world doesn’t think too much about this, it would be wise to remember that we live in the land of the self-appointed ‘moral police’.

On February 14th, this most self-righteous section of society is let out of its cage and allowed to attack at will. Couples holding hands are particularly easy targets, largely because they’re only left with a total of two hands to fend off the violent assaults they face for ‘outraging the nation’s morality’. N.B. Avoid all public spaces, beach fronts and parks in particular.

Commercial Conundrum

i love you pillowThere’s a suspicion that Valentine’s Day is simply a commercial holiday manufactured by big gift-shop brands to sell heart-shaped soft toys, balloons, chocolates, etc. We’re not naming names or anything, but we do subscribe to this particular conspiracy. And really, all the big shops stock identical little sentimental gifts. A better idea, if you really must spend money and give someone a present, would be to dig a little deeper. You know, actually make the effort, instead of simply taking to the streets and buying the first heart-shaped whatever you see.

To Do or not to Do

Happy Childrens DayThis writer was born on November 14. An elementary understanding of mathematics will tell you that the date – aka Children’s Day – is exactly nine months post Valentine’s. Needless to say, he was subjected to mildly traumatic jokes through his childhood. So, spare your future children the ordeal and just wait a day or two.

Food for Thought

heart-shaped-pizza.topIn simple words: Avoid pizza like the plague. Oh, and this applies to most Italian restaurants too. On the surface, the reasoning behind this seems unclear. There’s evidently nothing wrong with pizza, and it’s hard to find a way to connect it even remotely to Valentine’s Day.

However, a deeper, more introspective approach provides a very unappetising revelation. It’s easy, really. The whole day is overflowing with flashy, exhibitionist displays of induced emotion and the whole shebang is especially cheesy when cloaked by gooey declarations of love, feel good stories and more advertisements for diamonds than any other time in the year.

Can you now see why just the thought is enough to make us want to throw up? Don’t tell us we didn’t warn you.

The Lonely Hearts’ Rebellion

singles on V-DayV-day is a tense, unappealing occasion for the single-mingles too; it’s usually associated with dread, tension, and sweaty palms. As a response, the single life propagandists often turn to revolt. They’ll make a whole big deal out of making a statement, walking in to couples-infested venues with only their single friends and only of the same sex, and being all loud, bitter, and obnoxious. They’ll even pretend not to care. We suggest you avoid this, and keep your single-person insecurities nicely wrapped up in a broken-heart-shaped box on your dresser.

Ultimately, though, we suggest you trust your own judgement, but make your own calls - except drunk dialling. Avoid this at all and any cost. If you do decide to be spontaneous and ignore this well-meant advice, then we suggest you have a tub of Belgian chocolate ice cream, a mindless action movie and the number of best friend handy. You’re going to need it.